<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Leave Us In Ruins by karevsderek</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30051570">Leave Us In Ruins</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/karevsderek/pseuds/karevsderek'>karevsderek</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Station 19 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sex, Shower Sex, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:55:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30051570</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/karevsderek/pseuds/karevsderek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in season four after Meredith finds out about Derek's kiss with his scrub nurse. Will they ever be able to repair the relationship they once had with outside forces destined to keep them apart. Angsty fic that delves into Meredith's thoughts of insecurity and Derek's fear of being strung along and hurt the way he was when he found his wife in bed with his best friend. </p><p>CW // smut, language, nsfw, detailed sex scenes, alcohol</p><p>Collaboration with @lgbtmeredith</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Shepherd/Mark Sloan, Finn Dandridge/Meredith Grey, Meredith Grey/Cristina Yang, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd, Rose/Derek Shepherd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anatomy's Grey</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I can't do this anymore."</p><p>"Well neither can I." </p><p>That was the last thing Meredith said to the man whom she thought was the love of her life at one point. She never would've imagined one night in a bar and a few shots of tequila would lead to this. Just as she was starting to realize she wanted to be with him exclusively, he does the one thing that proves he wasn't serious about what he said to her that day in front of the elevator. </p><p>"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I wanna settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime." </p><p>"Yeah right," she thought to herself. Derek didn't love her; he loved the idea of her that he concocted in his arrogant testosterone-filled brain, but not her. If he had, he wouldn't have kissed another woman hours after spending the morning making love to her. In the same building, at that.</p><p>***</p><p>"You don't want to build a life with me. You want someone. You want someone who wants the same things that you want."</p><p>Meredith's words stung him the more times he replayed their last conversation in his head. Derek knew she wasn't ready for this. He had a feeling she would eventually find a reason to leave him again, she always did. After everything they'd been through, she'll still always look for a reason to run.</p><p>To her, what happened with Rose was nothing more than an excuse to run. She doesn't want to be with him; she doesn't love him, she loves having him around. She loves having someone to call whenever she's lonely or whenever she wants someone next to her in bed. Everything she said to him that day, claiming that she was trying to let him in, that she wanted to let him in, it was all a lie. He knew he shouldn't have fallen for it, but he did; he always did. </p><p>***</p><p>The aroma of tequila coated her mouth as Meredith downed another shot. Her bed was indented with her body as she hadn't moved from the mattress since she'd gotten home. Alcohol seemed to be the only thing that could help her not think about the cause of all of her problems. Except it wasn't exactly working. All she could think about was the desperate look on his face when she confronted him. Why did he look like she was moments away from stabbing him in the chest? He was the one who lied to her, who made her believe they would work out. He knew how difficult it was for her to trust after everything that she'd been through; Her mother having hardly loved her and her father not caring enough to stick around. She was a fool to think someone like Derek could ever love her. Correction; he was a fool to think someone like Meredith could ever accept his love. Either way, it was his fault. She wasn't kissing nurses. She wasn't bombarding him with house plans after being exclusive for merely a day. Every bitter word that spewed from their mouths in that hallway was the result of his mistake.</p><p>***</p><p>The quiet Seattle rain beat a gentle tattoo on the metal roof of his trailer. The empty sheets felt cold, freezing. He glanced at the spot next to him, indented with her figure from all the nights that she slept on his side. He watched as the rain fell onto the skylight above him, each drop louder than the last. His heart ached at the thought of her. He loved her, more than anyone ever could, though she would never accept it. She would never accept him. </p><p>He knew that he was flawed. He knew that he had hurt her too. Choosing Addison, leaving her, he would never forgive himself for it. He'd spent the last year trying to make it up to her, trying to be what she wanted. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't continue making himself smaller to please her. Being with her was like walking on eggshells. Trying not to say anything that would tempt her to run. She always runs.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It’s Over For Good?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If it were any other day, Derek would’ve ignored the curious glances he was receiving from his once best friend; but if it were any other day he wouldn’t be battling what felt like the world’s meanest hangover. </p><p>“What?” Derek scoffed as he leant back against the wall in the empty elevator; empty minus the man who was now turning to face him.</p><p>“You’re really over? Like for real this time?” Mark knew it wasn’t his place to ask questions about his love life after their previous situations, but the stubble nesting on Derek’s chin and the scent of alcohol masking the elevator wasn’t something anyone could ignore. </p><p>“Yeah, for real this time.” Derek sighed, doing his best to hide that fact that he was hurting. He knew he shouldn’t have been. They needed to end things. He couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want the same things he did.</p><p>“I’m sorry man. If it makes you feel any better the nurses are boycotting me.” Mark shrugged, trying to lighten the mood.</p><p>“It does actually. But I don’t need to feel better. I feel fine.” Derek lied through his teeth.</p><p> </p><p>“Derek I’ve known you my whole life. I know a lie when I hear one,” Mark turned back around as the ride came to a halt and the elevator doors opened. </p><p>“I’m over her. I’ve moved on.” </p><p>Mark nodded his head in agreement, but he knew his friend was trying to convince himself more than he was him. </p><p>“The Derek Shepherd I know doesn’t “move on” after a loss like that. Then again the Derek Shepherd I know doesn’t make out with nurses in scrub rooms.” </p><p>“I’ll be glad I did. Rose and I are going on a date tonight.”</p><p>“Who’s Rose?”</p><p>“The nurse from the scrub room.” Derek answered, scrunching his eyebrows, “No wonder they’re boycotting you.” he then scoffed under his breath.</p><p>“You’re taking the nurse on a date? Good for you. You used to have women parading around you until Meredith came along. You’re better off without her, she had you chained to a leash behind her. I’m glad you got outta there man.”</p><p>“Don’t talk about her like that.”</p><p>“Dude, don’t get all defensive, I thought you were over her.” Mark shrugged.</p><p>“I am over her.”</p><p>“You don’t sound like you’re over her.”</p><p>“Just because we’re done doesn’t mean you have the right to give your two-cents on our relationship. She’s not a bad person, she didn’t do anything wrong. I ended things with her because she’s not ready. She’s not capable of being in the kind of relationship I need. Meredith isn’t at a point in her life where she can... she isn’t ready for me, and she never will be. That isn’t her fault. I’m not gonna hold that against her and I’m certainly not going to allow you to stand in front of me and talk about her like you understand, because you don’t know the first thing about her.”</p><p>“Alright, I’m sorry,” Mark apologized, raising his hands in an attempt to let his guard down. He could tell by the clenching of his jaw and the balling of his fists that Derek wasn’t over her, anyone could. </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Many late nights of drinking followed by a restless day at work grew Meredith’s immunity to the throbbing headaches brought on by her recurring hangovers. The cause of her pain wasn't the absurd amount of shots that stained her throat, but the man she was trying to avoid at all costs.</p><p>"Someone has to tell her," she heard her perky blonde roommate mutter in an attempt to be secretive. </p><p>"No. She can't handle that right now Izzie." The woman she'd grown to know as her closest friend silenced her. </p><p>"If we don't tell her she's just going to find out from someone else. Shouldn't we be the one to-"</p><p>"Tell me what?" Meredith's eyebrows raised inquisitively and her arms crossed over her chest as she looked around searching for an answer. </p><p>"We- hey!" The dopey eyed doofus with a frown across his face rubbed his shoulder that'd just become a victim to the dark haired woman on his left.</p><p>"Cristina! What is going on?" Meredith asked a final time. They stood in silence until one of them gained the courage to speak up. </p><p>"McDreamy asked the nurse out on a date." </p><p>The locker rooms went silent as they all waited for her to lose it. </p><p>“She’s not saying anything,” Izzie pointed out.</p><p>“Yeah, we can see that,” Cristina rolled her eyes and placed a consoling hand on her friend’s shoulder, “Meredith if you need to cry or...yell, or break something we can ask Callie to get cast moldings.” </p><p>Meredith met Cristina’s sympathetic gaze and felt ashamed that her friends thought so little of her. </p><p>“I’m not going to freak out like some psycho ex girlfriend. Derek and I are broken up. We have been for a while. If he wants to date a dopey little doe-eyed scrub nurse, he has every right to do so,” she exhaled and waited for the multiple pairs of eyes to stop studying her every move and waiting for her to crack. </p><p>“I said I’m fine!” Her voice echoing through the locker-filled room was enough to send them all scurrying. All but the one who was almost as stubborn as she was; if not more. </p><p>“Cut the crap. You and Derek broke up again, for good this time so you say. No one is okay after something like that...especially not you.” </p><p>“What is that supposed to mean?” Meredith’s defensive remarks made Cristina question her choice of words. </p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t mean-”</p><p>“No, go ahead. What were you gonna say? Meredith is so pathetic and sensitive that she can’t handle a breakup without having a complete meltdown at work? Or that I’ll spiral into a wave of depression and you’re afraid that you’ll have to be the one to drag me back on my feet?” Meredith jolted from her seat on the bench, “I don’t need you to take care of me Cristina. I don’t need you, or some stupid, arrogant brain surgeon telling me what I do and don’t need.” </p><p>“I know that,” she had an apology written all over her face, “I’m sorry Meredith. I just...the last time you two broke up it was messy. You hardly got out of bed and you were...sniffing him in elevators. I’m just trying to look out for you.” </p><p>Meredith thought about that dark time in her life when she felt like she was a pawn in Derek Shepherd’s game. Leading her on and making her fall in love with him, only to find out he had, has a wife; whom he decided to stay with after she poured her heart out to him. </p><p>“I appreciate it, I do. But I don’t need you to look out for me.” Meredith sent her a look that she knew signified she wasn’t upset with her and Cristina nodded. </p><p>“I have rounds, I’ll see you at Joe’s later?”</p><p>“I’ll be there.” </p><p>Meredith watched as the rest of her resident class exited the locker room while she rushed to find the rest of her belongings. As she sprinted through the halls in an attempt to not be any later than she already was, Meredith thanked the universe for her only being a resident; meaning she wouldn’t be put in the uncomfortable situation of working closely alongside Derek unless she were directly assigned to his service. </p><p>“Bailey, I’m here,” Meredith huffed, out of breath and watched her chief resident set down her clipboard and turn to face her. </p><p>“I can see that, you’re late.” </p><p>“Sorry, I was just-,”</p><p>“I don’t have time for excuses, don’t let it happen again.” Bailey interrupted, looking up from the chart she was reading over.</p><p>“Ok, sorry.” Meredith sighed, trying not to piss her off more than she already had.</p><p>“Your attending is waiting.” Bailey stated as she lazily pointed her finger in the direction of the dark-haired man standing a few feet down the hall.</p><p>“Great.” Meredith sighed disappointedly and took back every kind thought she’d ever had about the universe, it clearly wasn’t in her favor.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>